The cave

10 years ago…

I stood outside the cave at dawn, ready for the ordeal, as the monk summoned his two helpers. The uneasiness in the pit of my stomach was growing by the minute, and I had to keep telling myself ‘its gonna be ok!’. The elderly monk meanwhile looked unperturbed, as if this sort of thing was a regular occurrence. Damn! I shouldn’t have signed up for this. What was I thinking?

A day before, I had arrived at this lovely monastery, deep in the forests of a south-east asian country. Such magnificent hosts, they were. The place was serene, with only the occasional bird sounds giving away life’s activity in that region. They had a fantastic library, with a lot of original texts and I was deeply immersed in my reading. Later, over a frugal meal, the monk caught up with me. He listened keenly as I explained my quest.

“So..you want to taste freedom. But have you tasted fear?”
Fear? Why?

“Fear holds the key. You must experience it first. All great progress happens only then.
Face your deepest fear. Freedom will taste sweeter then!”

My deepest fear?…hmmm. That was easy; being confined in a dark place. I told him so.

“We can help you face that, if you are ready”. I nodded bravely, gulping down my anxiety. He smiled and moved on.

 

So, it came to pass at dawn this day, as I stood outside the cave. My understanding was that his helpers would close the makeshift door and leave me inside, alone, to face my deepest fear.

They gave me a log of firewood. When I felt I had enough of being in the cave, I would knock on the door with the log, and they would let me out.

Sounded safe enough!

I asked the monk “What instructions do I need to remember that can help me deal with this?”

He told me in his usual cryptic way – “Knowledge can’t help you in there. But you will still hear what you need to know – if you are ready to listen“.

Oh well. Here goes. I took the log of firewood and stepped gingerly inside the cave. I looked around but couldn’t see a thing, not even how big it was or far it went. It was quite dark inside. I sat on the ground and heard the rustling of dry leaves below. I waved cheerfully to the folks outside. That didn’t change their blank expression a bit. Hmm..i wondered.

The monk’s helpers shut the door of the cave.

 

I was alone..

A few minutes passed.

Hey…this is not as bad as I thought..it’s no big deal.  I started humming a tune.

A few minutes later, all I could hear was the hoarse sound of my breathing. The darkness inside the cave was complete. There was a faint breeze blowing through the cave, but I couldn’t locate its source. It was too bloody dark. I started to fidget. Instinctively, I felt the need to get up and move around a bit. That might make this ordeal a bit bearable, I thought. I wanted some space.

I stood up and stretched. To my shock, I found my hands bumping into the roof of the cave. Oh s@$! I took a few steps behind and found myself touching the rear end of the cave. The cave might have been only 6 1/2 feet high and 10-12 feet long. It wasn’t a cave I had imagined it to be. It was worse. I was trapped inside a freakin’ coffin!!!

I felt myself breaking into a sweat.

No way! I didn’t want to be here. Freedom be damned. I wanted out. Panic! Its ok. Its ok. No problem. Let’s get out of this hellhole first. I’ll try this next year. Time to accept defeat;

I practiced the sheepish grin I could give the monk later. I began to feel better then. I swept my hands across the floor and found the log of firewood. I crawled up to the door and banged hard on it.

No response.

I banged harder on the door. No response still. Not even the sound of approaching footsteps. I yelled out. No response still; only the echo from the cave.

My heart was thumping like it was on a cardio-workout. 

In that state of shock, I realized something. They would only open the door when they felt like it – not when I wanted them to. That was their real plan all along.

I was not in control of this experiment. They just made me believe that I was.

I felt myself choking with the fear of being stranded in this cave for hours, maybe days, in an unknown country. The panic was overwhelming. I felt like screaming, but my throat was dry and parched like sandpaper.

 

“Sit down”.

I heard the message clearly through my panic. There was no one around. It had come from the mind. With authority…even though I hadn’t thought of it consciously. How odd!!

I obeyed without question.

“Observe”!

Oh, yeah, right. Relaxed attention! Great! What was there to observe? Darkness. Confinement. Fear. Observe that? Not fair

“There is no fair or not fair. Observe!”

I did – bringing my attention to my breathing…for maybe half an hour. I don’t remember. I lost track of time.

I felt my breathing come slowly down to normal. My heart was not pounding away as bad as it was before. My eyes got accustomed to the darkness and the dimensions of the cave.

I miss the light.

“Why prefer light to darkness?”

Why not? Everyone does. Light is good. I can see clearly then. It makes me sense the world. It illuminates everything.

“It illuminates only illusions. Your first-ever memory in this life was an image – illuminated by light. The illusion of thinking you are a separate person, began with that image.”

hmmm….yeah! My first known memory is an image!

But why am I feeling so helpless and hopeless in the dark right now?

“Because fear is holding the key”

Huh? It took a while for it to sink in…wasn’t that what the monk said the day before?…and then I understood

I was still clutching the log of firewood in my hand…so damn tightly…all my help and hope depended on it.

Yes…fear was holding the key; even though it was absolutely useless to me at that time.

“Drop it!”

I slowly let go! I could feel the bruises on my palm, even in the dark- where the firewood had left its mark. I had been clinging to it real hard.

(I winced in pain…or was it relief ?)

“Now, you have dropped both hopelessness and helplessness”

But what do I do now?

“Observe!”

I am afraid.

“When?”

Huh? Okie…okie.. got it.. in the past or present or future?

“Which fear matters to you?”

Past fear…don’t care…..Future fear…don’t care…present fear…Yes, that’s what matters to me

“The present is too short a time for fear to arise!”

Oh s@#$. Then what exactly is it that I am experiencing now?

“Observe!”

It must have been another half an hour. I was drenched in perspiration, but the cool breeze felt pleasant.

After a while, my mind started to wander. I thought of the luxurious bed in my hotel room, my new project, my flight schedule….

I miss the space. The roof is so low here – if only it were as high as in the hotel room…

“How does the absence of space matter in the dark?”

Silence.

And then the panic attack resumed. For no reason…out of the blue !

I am afraid. I cant handle this.. I need out!!! Someone please help me!

(I waited for the mind to respond with some useful insight, but it had gone quiet!)

Where are you? Why don’t you say something? Damn it! Help !

“There is no one here”

What the @!@! Of course,there is no one here…just me! I know that

Hey, wait a minute…

“Observe”

Outside me : breeze…darkness…cave…damp smell…silence

Inside me: breathing…heartbeat…space…sensation…dryness…breathing…darkness…sensation….silence….

Maybe for a few minutes…and then awareness sank deeper…

Just

Air….air…heaviness…heat….thought…air….heat….firmness…thought…..water….heat…air….softness…thought…space…space…air….

No outside and inside

There is no one here and now

…to be afraid!

Wide grin erupted spontaneously… can see clearly now.

Still grinning…when the door opened…hours later ? Days later? Who knows ?

When I stepped out, I started to shiver uncontrollably. They had a blanket ready. They gently wrapped it around me. I bowed and thanked them.

Did they know? I wondered. Something told me they did.

I had touched the red line; one step closer in the quest.