Living in the moment

 

I travelled from the Swiss Alps to meet Sofie’s daughter in Kinderdijk, a quaint little village about 10 km from Rotterdam. The name Kinderdijk is Dutch for “children’s dyke”. The folktale of the ‘Cat and the cradle’ originated here. I was admiring the windmills in the landscape. No wonder they were declared a UNESCO world heritage site, I thought.

Soon, a bike appeared in view. The rider slowed down, waved to me and pulled over. I waved back and walked over to say ‘Hi’.

She removed her helmet and tossed her hair.

I stopped in my tracks.

(Holy cow….she looks a carbon copy of her mom), I thought.

Then I noticed the logo on her biker’s jacket – it had a picture of a butterfly and a bleeding axe with the words “Dutch devil” printed on it.

Fair enough.

 

Once we settled in a café, she introduced herself.

 

“The name is Anika”, she said; (as in Ah-Nee-Kaa); “and please spare me the Anakin Skywalker jokes from Star Wars”, she added. “I have heard enough of them at college.”

I smiled. “Well, you are certainly trying hard to embrace the dark side”, I said, pointing to the logo on her leather jacket.

She scowled.

“Your mum used to travel a lot too”, I said, remembering her mother Sofie, who had made her dramatic entrance at the ashram
riding a horse, much to the delight of the folks there. “And did you know?, Your mom’s name at the ashram was Butterfly, I said, pointing to the butterfly emblem on her jacket. She was a very colorful and expressive person.”

Anika nodded.

“I know. I didn’t spend much time with my mom; but whatever times we shared were very special.”

“How come?”, I queried.

“I was a child then, growing up with my Father and Stepmother. But my mom kept in touch with me even after my parents’ divorce, sending me photos and letters from the ashram. I used to read her letters at night, under the blankets, with a small torchlight. ”

“That’s sweet”, I said.

 

“Yeah, I didn’t want my Stepmother and Dad to know I still cared a lot for my mum and that I was missing her very much. ”

Silence.

“And by the way”, she continued. “I know who you are…You are the one they called Sunbeam.”

“Yeah.” I smiled.

“She sent me many pictures capturing the antics of you and your friends at the ashram.”

“I hope you destroyed the pictures”, I said with mock seriousness. “I have a reputation to protect as a grown-up in the city.”

“Ha ha…no way. I still have them locked away in my attic. And hey, is it true that they gave you the name Sunbeam because you could make the….”

“Can I take your order miss?”, it was the elderly waitress, interrupting at the right time.

“Hmm…ok.”, Anika said. The conversation trailed off, as we checked out the menu.

 

After placing an order for toast, eggs and a pot of tea, I focused on the task at hand.

“So…What had you written to the Teacher about, asking for help?”

She reached in her jacket for a stick of chewing gum and popped it in her mouth.

“Simple. I want to know how I can be with my mother.”

“Huh?”

 

“I remember the day as if it was yesterday.

It was my 10^th birthday when I received my mom’s letter from the ashram.

She had written it and posted it to me, along with a small gift.

“My dear baby, you are turning 10 today, my love,

And I can see how beautiful you are

Do not think I have left you to grow up alone.

Though I am far away, I am with you.

I will soon begin another journey

To a beautiful land you cannot understand

But don’t be afraid, dear one.

When you grow up,

You will begin to travel the world like me.

You can reach the place where we both belong,

 

 

if you are brave enough to live in the Now.

See you there.

Love and kisses,

Mum.”

“That was her last letter to me. I heard she died a month later”, she finished.

She became silent after narrating the event.

Her eyes had become moist. She was starting to fight back the tears.

A losing battle, I felt.

So, I reached across the table and patted her. “It’s ok, Anika”, I said. “It’s ok to remember.”

And the floodgates opened. She buried her face in her hands.

She excused herself and walked brusquely to the cloakroom, past the waitress who enquired with concern, if all was ok.

 

The waitress arrived with the food and left it on the table, glared at me and left. No doubt she thought I was a complete jerk to leave the young girl in tears.

A few minutes later, Anika returned and sat down, composed. She took a deep breath and continued.

“And when I grew up, I left home and stayed at the University. I became a roadie after that. I stopped caring about what I do, whom I hang out with or what the world wants from me. I just live in the moment. Taking one day at a time. I do whatever I want, on impulse, whenever I want. Some took advantage of me for that, but I don’t give a damn. That’s me. That’s how I am.

For I feel that’s how my mother would have wanted me to live. As a traveller in life;

Living in the moment. Impulsive. Brave. Just like her.”

“Hmm. Interesting. But then, if all is fine with this way of living, why did you ask for help?”

“Because I still cannot understand what she wrote. She lives with me only as a memory. What is the journey she undertook? Is it her impending death she was talking about? On one hand, she said “Be brave enough to live in the Now”. But in the same breath, she adds, “that is where we both belong, See you there”. Is she asking me to live impulsively or am I supposed to commit suicide and join her?

Those were the questions I had asked the Teacher. He is a very kind man. After my mother’s death, he wrote many letters to me telling me how much my mother spoke of me to him, during her stay at the ashram. As I grew up and moved out on my own, he became a trusted father figure in my life.

He said he would be sending someone to meet me…someone who will help me find the answer for myself.

And so, tell me what I need to know.”

 

(Uh-oh. This is tricky. What was she was ready to receive? Hmmm..Only one way to find out.)

“Well Anika, one way to deal with the loss of a loved one is to remember and cherish all the good moments you shared. After all, everything and everyone that is born has to pass away someday. Be strong and you will get through. I am sure you will do just fine.”

She slumped back in her seat, lit a smoke and looked at me calmly.

The next moment, she leaned forward, took a glass of water from the table and flung the water on my face. I started to move away from the path of the water, but in a split second, checked myself as I became aware of the couple seated behind me. Didn’t want them getting the brunt of the Dutch devil’s fury.

Net result: I was soaking wet.

“I am not a baby anymore, do you understand?” she hissed menacingly. “Do you think I’ll walk away from here with a lollipop advice like that? Even I know that Time is the best healer. But there is more to it. I need to know the place she saw; I need to know how I can see it too. I need to know where she and I belong and I need to know how I can get there by living in the Now.”

Lesson learnt.

I started to wipe the water off my face with my hand, while she helpfully offered a bunch of tissues from across the table.

Her expression softened.

“I am sorry, Sunbeam. But I am at my wits’ end. I was counting on you to help me. Tell me what I need to know. Please don’t brush me aside.”

Looking into her eyes, I saw her burning desire to know.

My mind was made up.

I exhaled deeply and faced her.

She became attentive.

 

“Living in the moment has nothing to do with living impulsively,” I started.

“What? How can you say that? I have shaped my whole life based on Living in the moment. I know it can be done.”

“Anika”, I continued, speaking slowly.

“Originally, you and I were never seated here.

But we are both sitting here now.

If you were to find the reason for this, what would it be?”

 

She reflected on that for a while.

“It is the result of a whole chain of events, many moments, right from the beginning of time”, she said.

“Ok. Now tell me. As you head off on your bike trips across the Holland countryside, what changes during your journey, Anika?”

“The scenery changes; and with it, my perceptions and feelings change.”

“Nice. What about time? Does it change?”

“I don’t understand, Sunbeam.”

“And space? Does it change as well?”

“Now I am really struggling”, she said with a crease appearing on her forehead. “These are profound questions.”

“Actually, they are simple questions, Anika. But they appear profound because we are deeply conditioned to experience the world only in a certain way.

Unless you break through this conditioning, you will not be able to understand your mother’s message ”

“Please help me get there. At least, teach me how. I am willing to go through any amount of suffering”, she implored.

“Who said it’s about suffering?”, I asked, curious, as I eyed the yummy food on the table.

(She sighed). “I know all teachings are based on suffering, denial of self, struggle, pain.”

“Do I look like I am suffering, Anika? “, I asked, chomping a slice of buttered toast.

“Well, no. You look pretty normal to me. Weird but normal”

(I laughed). That was probably the most original description I have heard in a long time.

 

“Anika”, I continued. “All True paths

are not about suffering; but freedom from suffering.

not about denial of self; but the reality of self

not about struggle; but peace in the midst of struggle

not about pain; but creating the conditions for happiness”

“This is sounding more like an adventure or a video game; not the torture that I imagined it to be”, she said surprised.

“Yeah; but like all adventures and video games, it takes a lot of skill to play. As the levels get higher, the challenges become stronger, the enemies become cleverer and the stakes become bigger as you near the end.”

“Ok. Where can we start? When can we start”? She asked, excitedly.

“Well..lets start right here and now“, I grinned.

 

I finished eating the toast and reached out for the pot of Earl Grey tea.

“Do me a favor Anika. As I pour the tea into my cup, will you keep track of time for me?”

“Sure”, she said. She put her mobile phone on the table and set the ‘timer’ ready to start.

She started counting, as I poured the tea.

“9:35:01…:02…:03….:04……:09”.

I finished pouring the tea.

“Ok. Got it. 9 seconds.” She stopped the timer.

“Ok. My turn”, I said as I pulled her tea cup towards me and started to pour the tea for her.

I began counting, in my own way.

“Now…now…now…now…now……..now”.

“Got it?” I asked, as I finished. “That’s all there is to it.”

 

“What? But..how..if..”, she spluttered.

“Every moment is Now, isn’t it?

So, where is the time that you counted?

Whether you measure your life in tick-tocks

Or friends or memories or the number of places you travelled to,

Remember, it is you who chose to measure and count.

 

It’s easy to understand it intuitively; but our brain struggles to process it. Poor thing; It is conditioned to see time as if it exists on its own out there.”

“But how can you say such a thing? There is the passage of time. It is very real. These are facts. We experience time in the world.”

“Ok. Lets examine that statement. You say we experience time in the world and it is a fact. Right?”

(I started sketching on a paper napkin)

“Do you recognize these?” I asked.

“The 5 sense organs?”

“Yeah. It is only through these senses that we experience the world. Do you agree?”

“Yeah. Ok. Forms, Sounds, smells etc. Got it.”

“So tell me, which of these sense organs experiences time?”

(Silence.)

“None of them do. Hmm… But It is a fact that the brain perceives the passage of time in the world”, she offered as an explanation.

“But each of these 5 senses only collect data in the present. You can’t, for example, see a past object or a future object. Nor can you hear a past sound or a future sound, right?”

“Uh-uh. Yeah….”, she began to focus very hard on the sketch.

I continued.

“None of these organs collect past data or future data. And, it is only through these sense organs that we get data about the world.

So, if the brain perceives the passage of time in the real world, why do you call it a fact?

Though all the evidence screams out loud, we stubbornly believe otherwise.

So, to gradually regain our intuition of time, we must begin to contemplate:

 

If every moment is always Now and only Now,

Then, there is no existence of something independent called time.

Though we appear to experience time,

we actually experience Now

 

If every moment is merely Now,

What we perceive as the passage of time

Is just a conditioned
experience of Now as ‘past’, ‘present’ and ‘future’.

They are just conventional labels we use to describe our experience.

They don’t exist on their own out there.”

 

“Woooo.. this is way too freaky.”

“Mmm..but hold on.

If we look at the world with this fresh intuition, we discover new insights.

Without the conditioning of past, present and future, change
has no meaning.

Without the conditioning of past, present and future, motion has no meaning.

So, while they too appear in human experience, even Change and motion are not independent, inherent realities.”

“Are you saying that I never move in time when I travel? On my bike?” She asked nervously.

“Well, it is easier to understand it the other way around.

As long as our conditioning on time persists, the perception of movement and change persists.”

“You’ve lost me again.”, she frowned.

“When you move from Here-Now in Holland to Here-Now in Scotland, what parts of you remain in Holland?”

“Nothing.”

“Then why do you say that you
moved from one place to another? Who exactly are you comparing your new position with?”

 

“Hmm..So, living in the Now means living in the present moment?” she asked.

“No. No. Problem with conditioning again. Living in the Now doesn’t mean living in the present moment.”

“Oh! ….Ok, I got it. …That’s because the present moment is not some separate moment that sits between a separate past and a separate future.”

“Lovely. There is no such separation, really.”

“Then, what does Living in the Now really mean?”

“If we do not separate Now into past, present and future moments, then what remains of time? “, I asked with a straight face.

She was shocked.

“‘Now’ is not about time?”

“Now is not about present “moments” at all. It is about “Present” moments. It means being fully PRESENT in the dance of life.”

“So, instead of being impulsive in each moment, I must learn how I can be fully present in each moment ?” she asked hesitantly.

“Great way to put it. Thanks. That’s the secret of ‘Carpe diem’. The way to seize the moment is to be fully present in it.”

“But then, isn’t Time a healer?”

“As we saw, Time is just a conditioning of the mind. All conditionings are suffering. The conditioning of time is no different – through it, we feel the suffering of loss and gain, old and new, before and after, beginning and end, cause and effect.

 

So, Time is not the healer.

Now is the healer.”

 

“How can I let go of time?” she pressed on.

“We don’t have to let go of time. We cant.

How can we let go of something that is not really out there?

What we must learn is how to let go of our own conditioning
of time.”

“But then… if time is just a conditioning of the mind, then…Now…Presence…is an unconditioned mind!!!”, she said slowly.

“Yes. Again, beautifully put. Thanks.

 

A conditioned mind lives in time – confused; limited; closed; stressed; scared.

An unconditioned mind lives in the Now – With faith; fully present; accepting; open to possibilities”

“Somehow, intuitively, I understand.” She said. “But frightened too. Compared to living in the Now, my way of living impulsively was much easier“, she laughed.

I nodded. “That is why your mom said ‘Be brave enough to live in the Now’ “.

She became silent.

I let her be.

###

 

We left the café and walked towards her bike.

She grabbed my arm and turned me to face her.

“If she were to write me a letter today, what would she have written?”

I looked in her eyes and said what her mother would have wanted to her to know now.

    

“Hey Dutch devil, as you get on your bike, and explore the world,

Remind yourself – ‘I am moving and yet, I am not moving‘.

Remind yourself – ‘Things are changing and yet, they are not changing‘.

Likewise, remind yourself in everything you do,

in any action you see yourself performing in time,

whether you are talking, crying, yelling, dreaming or falling sleep.

In due course, the conditioning of time will dissolve

And Now will appear in its original nature.

You will see what I saw.

And realize you belong there too.”

 

Anika closed her eyes and savored the message.

I concluded.

 

“When you were 10, your mum invited you to walk her path, Anika;

Not a path to end your life along with her;

But to end your human conditioning of life along with her.

The secret she shares with you is to Live in the Now.

So, master that secret, as she did.

It is the most natural way to be in her Presence forever.”

 

“Thanks Sunbeam”, Anika said, giving me a farewell hug. “You must copyright this secret; or else, I am going to freely share this secret with other lonely souls I meet in my travels.”

I laughed.

“And by the way”, she continued, trying clumsily to wipe the wet patch off my shirt. “your reflexes are too slow. You are too goofy. You need to be more alert.”

“Sure. I will. Take care.” I grinned and waved goodbye to her. She started her bike and zoomed out of sight.

As I walked to my car, I noticed the waitress waving goodbye to me through the window. Hmm…surprising. Anyways…I waved back.

She appeared to look happy, probably because her customer was no longer in tears?

Who knows?