The World renouncer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chocolate fudge!

That’s what was in my mind, as I approached the lovely English cottage.

Yummy chocolate fudge.

 

They were a wonderful couple; Rose and Theron;

They were like a brother and sister to me, at the ashram.

He was an expert in theatre and music. She was a dancer, a very warm person, with a wide smile and a loving heart. Not to mention, she made some of the best chocolate fudge I have ever tasted in my life.

I was looking forward to meeting them again, after all these years. I heard they have a son now.

An image flashed in my mind briefly – an image of a happy couple, hand-in-hand, playing with their son, a house ringing with the sound of laughter…

 

Anyway, I am sure that can wait…right now, I had only one thing on my mind – asking Rose to whip up some great fudge; like in the good old days.

 

I rang the bell. I heard the chimes resounding indoors.

In a few minutes, a young kid came and opened the door.

“Hello”, he greeted me with a biiig smile.

(No doubt smiles are genetically inherited too.)

“Hi”, I smiled back.

“Are you the one my mom calls Sunbeam?”

“Yeah, and you must be Theron Junior? How are you, dude?” I queried.

“I am good. Come in…..mommmmmyyyy”, he yelled out and disappeared swiftly to his room.

 

(Soon, the angel of chocolate fudge appeared in person. I was delighted to see her.)

“Well…so it took a family crisis to get you down to meet us”, she said standing a fair distance from me, with her hands on her hips.

(Obviously, the delight wasn’t mutual.)

“Aww..C’mon, Rose. You know me… I keep intending to write, but both of you are so regularly in my thoughts, that I never miss you.”

“Very clever”, she said. Her expression softened.

“Good. I hope I am forgiven, because I came ready to have a lovely dinner with my favorite family…with the usual dessert, of course…hee hee”, I said, wringing my hands in glee.

She became silent.

 

“Where were you Sunbeam? If you were here, none of this would have happened”, she said in a hoarse voice.

I was aghast. Not at her state, but at my own insensitivity.

I had entered the house in my own world

She needed me to be in hers.

I centered myself.

I regained my balance.

I became present.

 

“Come here, Rose. I am really sorry. What happened? Where is Theron?”

Pacified, she came over and we sat down on the couch.

“He is gone”, she said with a faraway look in her eyes.

(Huh?)

“When did this happen? Was there an accident? Why didn’t you write to me? When was his funeral?”

She gave me a curious look.

“No, you idiot. He’s alive. What I meant was, he left us and went away.”

“Oh. But.. where? why?, if I may ask”

“We returned from the ashram a few years ago, when I was pregnant. I decided we would not raise the child in the ashram. So, I persuaded Theron to return to England. I don’t know if it was a mistake, but he just could not settle down ever since we got back here.

He kept missing the ashram life. He kept having nightmares; regularly; and used to wake up in a sweat. He felt he had let himself down by returning to life as a householder. He felt he had committed a grave error in doing so. I thought having a child and becoming a father would heal his pain. But things became worse after our son, Hanson, was born. Theron felt his worldly responsibilities had only increased and became even more depressed.”

“Oh…go on”

“That’s it. One fine day, he just packed up and left. All that he left was a note saying he had decided to renounce the world and that he did not wish to change his mind.”

“But…surely…you reached out for him? Where is he? Is he safe?”

“Yeah. He just moved to a small retreat in the outskirts of town; in the woods. It is run by a local teacher, called Great Shining Light, who hosts residential seekers.”

“Oh. Ok”.

“Thankfully, they allow family visits once a month. So, I take my son and we drive down to see him then. He is very happy to see his son, you know. They have a great time together. He says he might return someday, but I just feel he is thoroughly confused.”, she sighed.

“Rose, I am sorry I was not around for both of you, when this happened. But now that I am here, let me know how I can help your family.”

“I just want you to help us do the right thing, Sunbeam. If renouncing the world is his destiny, then I will accept it. But if he has made an error, I want him to realize it. I will be there for him if he decides to return, but he must do so with a clear mind. But I am willing to wait, as long as it takes.”

“Ok. As you wish. First, I need to pay a visit to Theron.”

“So nice of you. We are lucky that today happens to be visitor’s day. Shall I drive you to the retreat? We can all sit and discuss this together.”

“No. No. I will go meet him myself. Just give me the directions to get there.” I got up to leave.

 

##

 

A few hours later, I reached the ashram. A few residents welcomed me at the reception and enquired about my visit. A nice, friendly bunch of people. Dressed in white and smiling all the time. I told them I was there to visit an old friend, someone who was like a brother to me. Theron.

They led me to a brook by the meadows.

There was Theron, sitting by a lake in the woods, lost in his thoughts.

I thanked them and sat down in a grassy strip, waiting for him to finish.

An hour later, he turned around and saw me.

“My God! Is that YOU, bro?” he asked, in shock.

“Of course”, I said and walked over to him.

He gave me a big hug.

(We bros don’t hold back.)

After a little chit-chat about old times, he leaned to look over my shoulder.

“Where are Rose and Hanson? Didn’t they come with you?”

“Nope. I told them not to”, I admitted.

(His face sank a bit).

“Oh. But that’s ok. I was looking forward to seeing Hanson. He stops by on visitor’s day”, he said.

“Yeah. I just saw him at your house. He’s a lovely kid.”

“Yes, bro. If only things were different with me, I might have been a good father to him.”

(It was then that I decided to get straight to the point.)

 

##

 

“Ok brother.” (I looked him straight in his eyes). “Level with me. What is all this world-renouncing nonsense about?”

He was taken aback.

“You? How can you ask me this? Have your forgotten? How could you?”

“Well…remind me. I am happy to learn.”

He took a deep breath. When he spoke, his voice revealed a lot of pain.

“I am sorry to remind you of the past. But at the ashram, do you remember the night I took a vow in front of the Teacher?”

“Yeah.”

“I promised him that I would experience enlightenment in this life, no matter what.”

“Yeah. ”

“You were the only witness then, that night”…his voice trailed off. “No one else knows about it…I never told anyone…not even Rose. I have carried the burden of that vow with me, all alone.”

“Ok, bro. I understand.”

“I realized I was violating my vow, when Rose and I returned to life as a householder. That gave me so much grief. Thankfully, I found this place in the woods and I spend my days here, away from the cares of the world, sitting in silence and solitude.

But now, you come and tell me I should break my vow and return home? To my wife? my son? my job? my old life? My house? ”

“Oh My!” I said, with a grin.

He frowned.

“What did you say?”

“Nothing. Lets walk a bit.”

 

##

 

We walked in silence by the brook. I saw it meander and reveal its own path through the woods.

I stopped near a large oak tree. I looked at it from top to bottom, walked around it three times and then leaned against the tree trunk, covering my eyes with my hands.

Theron was amused. “What are you doing bro?”, he asked me.

“I just saw this tree. Experienced it. Now I am trying to renounce it.”, I said with my hands still covering my eyes.

“What?? Surely you are joking?”

“No. I am trying to follow your approach. Let’s see if it works.”

I could sense his silence as I stood there in that pose for a few minutes.

“How long does this take anyway?”, I asked him. “My hand is beginning to hurt! Geez…if its going to take so long to renounce a single tree, I wonder how long it will take to renounce the whole world. When will it all go away?”

“Stop it”, he said. “I feel there is an error, but I don’t know what it is!”

(I opened my eyes, but remained silent, observing him struggle with his conflicting beliefs.)

 

“Something is wrong …life as a householder will drag me into the mire of worldly life again and I know what it feels like…So, I need to renounce worldly life…but how? You are saying I can’t just turn away from the world.” he was whispering to himself, walking in circles, head bent low, concentrating hard on his own questions.

“The world is as it is, bro. You can’t renounce it by turning your back on it. Where can you run to? Is this retreat in the woods so special that it is outside the world?”

“Huh?”

“As I walked through the gates of this retreat, I didn’t see any difference between the trees growing outside the gate and the trees inside; the wind blowing outside the gates and the wind blowing inside the gates; the earth outside and the earth inside. The sky as seen from outside and inside; It is you who has drawn a line at the gate, saying there is a ‘world’ outside these gates and a ‘non-world’ inside these gates.”

“But didn’t great masters retreat into the woods for enlightenment?”

“Don’t quote some historical figure that lived this way or that. Their circumstances are not yours. Their understanding is not yours. Blindly imitating their behaviour will not make you any wiser.”

“But I find peace of mind here”, he protested.

“Do you, bro? Really? Are your thoughts peaceful now? Are your words peaceful now? Are your actions peaceful now?”

“Well…I agree it is a struggle, but isn’t it the struggle one needs to go through?”

“Struggle is resistance. There is no resistance without fear. And that is what you must contemplate. “What is it that resists? What is it that is afraid?”

Perfect that insight, friend. Then, it makes no difference if you are a householder or a monk; whether you spend your day in the forest or the trading floor. You then belong everywhere; yet nowhere. A father to your son or a husband to your wife or a teacher to a student; You shed a robe and slip into another with ease; for they are all like robes.”

“That is so beautifully put. You have become so wise”, he gushed in praise.

“Don’t be a nutcase, bro. I just reminded you of your own words…the lessons you gave me about theatre and performance, while we were at the ashram.

“An actor is not the role he plays, yet he becomes the role he plays“, is what you taught me.

I am just bringing it back to your attention.”

“That makes me feel so much lighter now..” he said surprised.

 

“You know all this, bro. Just listen to your own life experiences, with an accepting heart and a clear mind.
They will provide all the clues you need to walk your own path.”

“Huh! I always thought that living in solitude, in the woods, is the only way to get enlightened.”

“Bro, calmly examine what you are saying. There is nothing magical about the woods. It’s the state of mind you bring there that matters. What would happen if all seven billion people in the world decided to retire to the forest? The forest would then become ‘the world’. What will we do then? Where would we go then?”

“Ha ha.”. He was amused at the thought.

“Which is why I said everyone’s path is unique; Simply because, everyone’s conditioning is unique. You own life experiences give you all the skills and tools you need on your path. There is no need to walk another’s path or imitate another’s life, if you can listen carefully to your own life.

Don’t bind yourself to fanciful ideas about what enlightenment is or where it can be found or what you should be wearing when it happens. ”

“But, am I not a brave seeker, by giving up worldly life?” he retorted, rather angrily.

“No,dear bro. You are living here in fear of worldly life. There is nothing brave about that. You are not living here in love or wisdom. If you were, I would have just walked away, without saying a word.”

“Don’t some Masters leave their homes eventually?”

“If they do, they do not leave in fear; they leave when their love and vision expands far beyond the walls of their home, their families, their city, to include all beings.”

 

“Are you saying that all my actions so far have been of no use?”

“I didn’t say that. Every action is complete in itself. But you tell me this, bro. How many thoughts of the world have you renounced from your mind since you arrived here?”

He hung his head and remained silent.

“If you haven’t renounced them from your mind, how can you claim to have renounced the world?” I continued.

“That’s so right. I have failed myself then.”

“Don’t beat yourself up for that; because it is simply not possible. Can you ever have a single non-worldly thought?. What does such a non-worldly thought look like?”

“I agree. But then…why did the masters teach about renouncing the world?”

 

“We cannot renounce the world by closing our eyes. Nor is it easy to stop experiencing the world in our mind.

What we can renounce however is the clinging to our experiences of the world as our own.”

“Oh!”

“Yeah, bro. All the objects that enter your field of experience – when you are awake, day-dreaming, sleeping, dreaming in your sleep – whether they are sights or sounds or ideas or tastes or memories..holy or unholy, tasteful or distasteful, grand or small, noble or wicked….

Do not tag some of them as ‘I’ and ‘Mine’ and yearn for them with pleasure.

Do not tag some of them as ‘Not-I’ and ‘Not-Mine’ and be anxious to avoid them.

When such discrimination is thinned down, clinging is pacified.

When clinging is pacified, discrimination thins down.

With nothing to offer resistance, the Truth shines unobstructed.

Then you will see for yourself.

This was their original message.”

“The actor appears in view, free of roles.“, he whispered to himself softly.

We remained silent, for a few minutes. He closed his eyes and was lost in the world within.

“I’ve decided what to do”, he said, after a while. “Gimme a few minutes and I will meet you at the gates.”

“Okay. I will stroll around till then.”

 

##

 

I walked towards the gates, taking in the view of the woods and the elegantly designed retreat.

Outside the reception area, I noticed a young man dressed in white robes, standing by a fish pond, admonishing a few visitors. He looked a bit agitated.

Once the visitors moved away, I walked over to him and said “Hi, friend. You seem upset”.

“Hello”, he replied with a frown. “I just can’t understand, Sir. We have put up such a big sign board here that says clearly “Please don’t disturb the fish.” Yet, visitors read it and still dip their hands in the pool, scaring these poor fish. How cruel.”

Ah.

“That’s why I am asked to guard the fishpond during visitor’s day. It’s such a shame. Because of these visitors, I am missing my meditation practice.” he said.

“Don’t worry, friend..perhaps a small change in the signboard may help you, the fish and the visitors.”

“Sure, Sir” His face lit up with hope.

After a few minutes, I was done. The signboard now read :

“Please don’t be disturbed by the fish.”

 

##

 

A few minutes later, Theron and I walked slowly back to the car. His head was still hung low, and he looked utterly defeated; depressed that all his efforts had come to nothing.

I slowed my pace.

He loaded his bags in the car and turned to take one last look at the retreat in the woods; the place that he had made his new home for the past few years.

“Watch your step”, he said absent-mindedly to me, as he opened the car door.

“Which one?”, I asked softly.

And at that moment, his curtains fell in a heap; the house of cards crumbled; whatever; He just stood there, with his mouth open, gaping at me. I just stood there, looking at him.

And then, it began…

“What the…Of course! Lovely!! Ha ha!! Wow!! Ha ha ha ha ha….”

He jumped on me and shook my head hard, and I felt it was going to come off.

“Oh bro…thank you…oh…thank you….Oh @#%%.” He kept at it for a while.

“But how?? What now? There’s nothing else to know” He asked, after he finally let go of me.

“Don’t worry. You have the rest of your life to perfect your realization. Swim and explore the ocean to your heart’s content.”

Without speaking another word, he got into the car, and sped away – back home.

Leaving me there in a plume of dust.

“Great job, dodo!” I thought to myself as I dusted my jacket . “Now how the heck am I going to get back?”

 

##

 

I got out of the truck, thanking the driver for giving me a ride back home. I walked towards Theron’s house; then stopped abruptly in my tracks – seeing the scene through the large French windows.

Theron and Rose were hugging each other and the young kid was fighting to get his fair share of space in the middle. They were laughing and playing and pushing each other till they collapsed on the couch in a heap.

Yes, I thought. This was the scene as I had imagined it originally.

I quietly retreated my steps and walked towards my car. I didn’t want to disturb their moment of great happiness. They deserved it, after so many years of pain.

That evening, they met me in the hotel.

“Chocolate fudge; The best; made by the hands of the happiest woman in the world” she said, with a big grin. “You have earned it now.”

I opened the precious package with care.

I dipped my fingers into it, closed my eyes and tasted it.

She was right.

Heaven!