Jerks and sweethearts

 

“My world is full of 2 kinds of people”, Sara announced to our gang of friends seated in her living room

“Really?” , one of them chipped in. “What are they?”

“Jerks and Sweethearts!”, chirped Sara.

There was loud laughter followed by a clanging of mugs and a chorus of ‘cheers to that’!

So, how exactly do you find out who’s which? I asked, curiously

“Hah! Call it woman’s intuition. I can detect them quite easily”, she said.

What do you do once you find out? I asked, still curious.

“That’s easy, Monk…the jerks get a kick up their a@$$ and the sweethearts a kiss in their face”, she said

“Oh-ho! The jerks better watch out! No place to hide…”, another roared with laughter!

“Death to all jerks!!”, another screamed, under the influence of Mr. Jim Beam

I became silent. Just letting them be, as they rattled out stories of all the jerks and sweethearts they have known in their life.

An hour later, all the chatter died down – when both – conversation and beer mugs ran out of fuel!

“Woo. That was one major bit@#ing session!” Alice said.

“Yeah. That makes me feel better now, I think!”, Sara said.

Then she noticed that I was not part of their conversation, so she decided to be nice and include me.

(In hindsight, it was a big mistake, she admitted in private later!)

“What do you think, Monk?…you know me well…don’t I detect jerks easily?”

Well, let’s test it out, I offered.

“Sure…how?” she volunteered.

Here are two photos. Tell me who’s a jerk and who’s a sweetheart!

“Hey…not fair! They are both too cute to say!”

So, are you saying they are both sweethearts?

“Well…they sure look that way! But I don’t know how they will turn out later!”

Like when, 1 hour later?

“No…not that close”

1 year later?

Two and a half years later?

3 years later?

“Aw…c’mon. you know what I mean”

I don’t. that’s why I am asking you..

“hmmm…I am not so sure now!”

OK. I’ll tell you. As a matter of fact, one of them is Adolf Hitler and the other is Albert Einstein.

“Oh God! I had no idea…now that you say it, I can make out some distinctive features”

Of who’s a jerk and who’s a sweetheart? Wow. That’s impressive

“No, silly goose! I meant… which of these kids grew up to be whom”

Oh, Okie. So, now that you found out who’s who… tell me!

“Tell you what? Obviously, Einstein is the sweetheart!”

Wait. I will give you another clue.

One of them, when he became an adult, wrote this letter to his wife. I will read it out for you guys

 

“Conditions.”

A. You will make sure
1. that my clothes and laundry are kept in good order;
2. that I will receive my three meals regularly in my room;
3. that my bedroom and study are kept neat, and especially that my desk is left for my use only.
B. You will renounce all personal relations with me insofar as they are not completely necessary for social reasons…
C. you will stop talking to me if I request it.””

 

Alice nearly fell off her chair. “What a jerk!” she said. The others roared in consent. “I would certainly expect someone like Hitler to do that!”, one of them declared.

Well…actually, it was Einstein who wrote this letter to his estranged wife, Mileva.

“Now, I am totally confused”, Sara said. The others became silent as well.

“Yeah…where are we going wrong in our judgment?”, Alice asked

Well.. for starters, no one is by inherent nature, a jerk or a sweetheart. It’s not a permanent property of a person belonging to a certain race or religion or family background.

Secondly, a jerk or a sweetheart is really about being a verb, not a noun!!!

“Huh? I forget my grammar. What does that mean?”, Alice asked.

Don’t you call someone a jerk or a sweetheart based on how they behave with others?

“Yeah”, they all agreed.

So, the mistake we make is this – We end up judging what they are – while it is really about what they do!

“Ok. Agree…but some of them do it so often to me, it’s like they are jerks by nature”

It may appear that way, due to repeated practice…but because it is a behavior, you have a part to play in it as well.

“No….mostly, i am just a victim…!!”

Depends…tell me…how do ‘jerks’ behave?

“They lie to me…they make me feel inferior to them……they cheat on me…they bitc#$ about me to others….they take away things that matter to me…they never apologize when they do something wrong to me….they don’t take my criticism well….”

Pause for a moment…all those statements you made about ‘they‘ involve the word ‘me‘ as well. That’s what I was referring to.

You have a part to play in their ‘jerk’ behavior. You kind of complete their picture.

“So, what’s the way out? Don’t tell me I have to grin and put up with it all the time….”

Well…the answer is in the problem itself…

Remember, I am a treasure hunter. I am after the treasure, not moral science. So, this is what I decided to do, once I found out what the problem was.

 

I told myself…

Don’t be a person that others need to lie to

Don’t be a person that is always critical of others

Don’t be a person that is always ready for a fight

Don’t be a person to whom every insult matters

Don’t be a person that others can evaluate as superior or inferior or equal

Don’t be a person others need to apologize to all the time

Don’t be a person that feels bad about every small thing that is taken away

Don’t be a person that gives a lot of value to what is being spoken of behind your back

In short, don’t be the kind of person a jerk wants you to be!!

 

As I practiced, a strange thing happened…I started to see ‘jerks’ disappearing from my life.

 

(To their credit, the gang was attentive. Some of them were even keen to give it a serious go. But I was wondering how to warn them. Luckily, an attentive dude asked me the right question!)

“Does that mean you have only sweethearts in your life?” he asked

Thanks for asking. When jerks disappear from your life, so do sweethearts.

“Hey! That’s not fair. Raw deal man.” he said.

(I laughed). It appears that way. But think about it. It is not a raw deal. Just as there are no inherent jerks, there are no inherent sweethearts as well. Just as ‘being a jerk’ is a behavior, ‘being a sweetheart’ is a behavior as well. If you think someone is permanently a ‘sweetheart’, won’t you be equally disappointed, when you find their behavior changes as well?

Just keeping track of everyone’s behavior all the time will just drain you of your energy.

“Then what should I see everyone as?”, he asked

Find out what people and things really, inherently are – and see them as that – then you’ll never be confused by any type of behavior, ever!

“And what are people and things really, inherently?” he persisted

That is what this treasure hunt is all about, I said….taking him back to Grasshopper’s clue!